Aries : I'm a ram. Which is a cool way of saying I'm a sheep. Which unless you are Welsh or a Kiwi is not cool... I follow the crowd. I don't think much. I'm warm in the winter until my skin is stolen to make people warm in winter. Wolves eat me. Not a very positive list really...
Taurus : I'm a bull. And the creative beings that analyse the zodiac always state one of my characteristics as bull-headedness... Stubborn. Grumpy. Rude. Slow. Quick to anger. Solitary. It sounds like a cheerful life being a bull. At least I'm not a cow. Or a sheep.
Gemini : Geminis can never be lonely. If there are two of me I can always keep myself company... right? I can always answer my own questions, argue with myself, make love to myself, torture myself, congratulate myself, punish myself... Or does that make me schitzophrenic?
Cancer : The most depressing sign of the Zodiac. Not only am I not quite as good as a lobster but I share my name with an often deadly disease that as of yet has no fixed cure. Or did the name of the disease come from the Zodiac sign... did crabs bring us cancer?
Leo : The lion. I'm a little smug really. King of the beasts. Royalty of the animal kingdom. Hair that Toni and Guy would be proud of. Oh OK... I'm an arrogant, vain arsehole who has been placed between a deadly disease and a slut that probably has some kind of infection as well!
Virgo : Why as a virgin am I always presented in quite revelaing attire? Traditionally it is Virgo the virgin... but it often appears more as Virgo the dirty, cock-teasing whore. And why is my name a combination of the words Virgin and Go...?
Libra : Why do I exist. I am the only zodiac sign that in the real world (ignoring the fact that centaurs and whatever the bloody hell Capricorn is don't ACTUALLY exist) has no life. I am a kitchen appliance. I am what you use to decide if the sugar weighs more than the flour...
Scorpio : The least creative of the zodiac. When considering my name, I took the name of my star sign animal and removed the N. If I were a dolphin I would be Dolphi. If I were a tiger I would be Tige. A snake would become a Snak and a chicken would become Chicke.
Sagittarius : An astrological advertisement for bestiality, I am what happens when humans mate with horses. And when their children are given dangerous weapons. I seem to be every parent's nightmare to present to their children. "Don't let them see that! It will give them bad thoughts!!!!!!"
Capricorn : I have no idea what I am. Some kind of unusual combination of a goat and a mermaid... It seems like the result of some disgusting, scientific experiment. I therefore am the Frankenstein's monster of the zodiac... The freak show. And my name is an unusual combination of Caprisun and Sweetcorn...
Aquarius : The water bearer. Forever carrying a jug of water and emptying it before carrying it and refilling it to carry it and empty it and then carry it so as to refill it once more... In this day and age when the majority of the world have plumbing you think the Zodiac would have caught on...
Pisces : Two fish swimming in a circle... Constantly. Never ending because their memories last only long enough to get once around the circle. By the time I get back to the beginning of the circle I forget I've done a circle and do it again. So as a star sign I'm going NO-WHERE!
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